On My Way

Alright, I don’t know where to put this. It’s not important for “you” to know but I still sort of want “you” to read through this or whatever.

When someone says she/he understand me, I won’t believe it. Mainly because nobody ever said that to me except my parents. They love me and that’s why they believe me. When this person just jump out from nowhere and then smiled at me, talked to me as if I’m a nice human being, happiness just grows in me. This person warmed my heart, made me smile, changed my thoughts about life. I believed in this person because he has a very special way to talk about future. What he said just planted deep in my mind and I know I’m not crazy or only fantasizing.

I don’t know where my thoughts are going. I’ve been trying to be cold so nobody can move me. But there is just a tiny part of me getting hurt when I see other people are hurt and lonely because that’s what I believe I will end up to be (not a old grandpa who wants to rob banks). I’ve also been trying to be more sociable. Things never work for this way either. I just don’t feel like talking and smiling at people or friends’ friends because sometimes the chemicals just not smooth enough in my head. I’m not trying to get rid of my own self but trying to bring out a more specific side of it. I did open up a lot compare to a couple of years ago. Thanks to this wonderful person. 

Sometimes I feel something is strangling me from behind, when I think about how I just scared and disappointed this person. He is one of my best friends that I just can’t afford to lose. All my friends will have their important person sometime in the future and I will fade away from their life. They would think of me once in awhile but things change and I don’t want to interrupt their lives anyway. This person is just more complicated and special than any other ones. I’m scared to scare him.

This is so messed up. I wouldn’t think I’m lost because I was never on the right track. I liked some people because it seems right to do around that time. I don’t want to look emotionless and hurt them so I liked them more. Going to school is just one of things that’s in the way of what I really expect life to be. I keep learning because it suppose to make my future brighter. I was never sure if I’m doing the right thing until we became friends. This person understands me for the most part, hates me and likes me, wants to get rid of me but also hold on to me at the same time. This person knows what I hate about him sometimes but doesn’t know what I like about him.

Here is what I like about him but not exactly because there will be so much more. This person looks perfect, talks perfectly. He’s brilliant and heart-warming. He’s cute and naughty, sometimes annoying (since he holds so many double standards between us) but in a perfect sense of humor. He looks great when sleeping, lying on the couch, brushing teeth and cooking omelets. He’s so lovely that I just want to kiss him on the forehead over and over again, tell him how amazing he is as a human being. He’ll never believe me. There’s millions of adorable things about this person that I can’t think of at this moment  but they’ll come to me one day.

See, my thoughts drifted and ended up on him again.